Sometimes, I don’t think I can do it. Write this book. Because it’s painful and it’s hard and it’s long and it’s tenuous and lately, it’s been making me cry *.
And it might make other people cry, too. Or make them mad. It might lead to estrangement. More estrangement. But half my family is estranged, anyway, so what do I care?
Do you think that someone will end up being hurt by your book?
Are you quoting people?
Are you using peoples' real names?
– An unnamed relative.
I do care, though.
Family estrangement cuts deep. Like a knife pits stone fruit. Like paper cuts a finger. Like a blade slits a wrist. Like a chainsaw fells a tree.
When I was in college, I dated this guy off and on for five years. I remember going with him to his grandparents house near the vineyards in Eastern Washington. I remember overnight dinners at his mother’s mid-century rambler south of Seattle on the shores of Puget Sound. I remember curling up in the guest bedroom in her basement, mute, crying, and lethargic as jazz played, voices murmured, and glasses clinked upstairs. I remember him coming downstairs to check on me, seeing if I was alright. I remember knowing that he would fuck me but never marry me because I had two kids
I’m fine, I said. I’m just tired.
But I wasn’t. Fine. Or tired. My soul just hurt. Being around other people’s normal, happy families is extremely painful for me. And I’ve started to wonder if I haven’t been depressed most of my life. Depressed under a cloak of anger, irritation, and constant motion. For I hardly ever sit still and I am often annoyed. Making money is not the real goal of building a business on the side in addition to my full time job in tech. Masking my pain is.
Dig a hole in the ground straight down to hell
Till there ain’t no more water in the well, well, well
When you’re down on your knees with nothing left to sell
Try diggin’ a little deeper in the well, well, well
– Ben Harper
Digging.
* Amongst other things that currently make me cry.
Things That Nourished My Writing: September 16-26.
HOME
Got soap? Try Savon de Marseille.
FOOD
Tom Douglas’s Serious Pie Mushroom Pizza. Our Seattle favorite.
Frankie & Jo’s California Cabin plant-based ice cream.
LITERARY
How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith
MUSIC
I love the work of Phillip Glass.
PLACES
Lime Kiln Trail in the North Cascades for an early autumn hike.
(EXTRA) ORDINARY PEOPLE
My colleague and friend, Lena, who did something courageous and extraordinary last week. But the story is not mine to tell….